Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about friends. Every time I scroll through my social media timelines, I see photos of people hanging out with their friends, having sleepovers, catching a movie, having late-night meetups at mamak stalls. And I can’t help but feel a pang in my heart. I’ve always yearned for this sort of relationship with people I can safely call my friends. I want to have people I can hang out with and talk about stuff we all care as passionately about, or sit in comfortable silence when needed. I want friends I can text at 11 p.m. to meet up so I can rant about shitty people in uni. I want friends who actually give a shit about what I have to say instead of competing to talk over each other before I can even finish my sentence. I want friends I can make plans with to explore the city during the weekends. And I don’t mean meeting up with old friends to catch up once in a while. There are acquaintances, there are friends, and then there are soulmates. Of course, I wish I had a soulmate in my life, but for now, I just want friends who will be there for me 24/7, who are as invested in me as I am in them.
You know how people always talk about how much they enjoy late night drives with their friends? Late night deep talks, that kind of stuff? Yeah. I have no idea how that feels like, because I’ve never had any of those experiences. Which makes me wonder, am I missing out on life? Because it sure does feel like it. I feel like I’m constantly stuck in my bubble of introversion and solitude that I’m missing out on all these real-life experiences. Sometimes I feel this stab of fear at the prospect of having to live my entire life without a real friend/soulmate by my side. I know it sounds so dramatic but sometimes I feel like I’ll really live my whole life alone. I’ll have my family, of course, and maybe some surface level acquaintances, but ultimately, I’ll be alone. It’s a sad thought, and most of the time I blame myself for being so… aloof. But then again, friendships can’t be forced, right? I mean, yeah, I can open my arms to people, hang out with a different bunch of people every day of the week, but how many people out of that crowd can I actually gel with? How many people will be on the same wavelength as me? How many will actually get my lame ass jokes and call me out for that? How many can I be completely honest with without being judged? How many will be constants in my life?
I don’t know. I’m torn between forcing myself to be more sociable and accepting the fact that it’s not my fault I haven’t yet met someone who gets me. With that said, I have been going out more often than I used to, now that I have more control over my schedule. I’m forcing myself to agree to meetups, as long as they don’t interfere with my priorities (*cough* sucharesponsiblestudent *cough*). I might even join a local book club which meets up every month, who knows? We’ll see how it goes.
At this point in my life, I have nothing to live for. I’m not particularly enjoying what I’m studying, I don’t even like studying, I barely have plans during the weekends, except for fetching my siblings to tennis lessons. I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to die. But, I don’t exactly feel like living either. I just feel like I wouldn’t even mind if I just ceased to exist one day. Dramatic? Yeah, roll your eyes all you want but it’s the truth. However, I want things to change. I believe having friends, real friends, will make my life a little more bearable, will give me a purpose to exist. I’m so done with wishing my life away. I don’t want to be someone who misses out on life and friendship just because I’m confined by my social anxiety and preference of solitude over companionship. As much as I enjoy being alone, I do crave companionship from time to time. So, I guess we’re taking this one step at a time, and who knows, maybe I’ll meet my soulmate along the way.